Lost Voice of the Grand Final Read online

  A red ON AIR light blinks. So much red in this studio.

  ‘How well do you know Carrot?’ I ask the TV Assistant with red hi-hi heels and red-red lips who does everything at the TV Channel.

  ‘Well enough. He’s so untidy. He’s always leaving things behind. I get fed up with collecting his rubbish.’ says the Assistant. Her red lips move fast. ‘I’m always having to send on autographed footballs, match fixtures or tickets that he’s forgotten.’

  ‘Do you remember if he spoke much during the TV interview?’

  Red Lips nods. ‘He was on the panel at the beginning of the first show. Bit of a problem with the sound quality. Director hit the mute button with his backside. An accident.’

  I’m beginning to think that TV studios are uncomfortable places for bottoms.

  ‘So Carrot was speaking at 12 o clock? Was the show live-to-air or pre-recorded?’

  Red Lips pauses.

  ‘Well, the audience thinks it’s live, but really, we record the day before…just in case...’

  ‘In case of what…?’

  ‘Bits need to be edited out.’

  ‘You mean swearing?

  Red Lips nods. ‘Or if the match has an unexpected result.’

  I start to put the clues together. ‘Thanks for your help,’ I say to Red Lips. I leave quickly and ride home. I can feel an egg coming on. Eggs are my best ideas. I’m careful about where I leave them.

  At home, I check for messages. Chooks Anonymous is quiet. Only one email about football tips for the Grand Final. Birds are favourites. I feel a bit uncomfortable.

  Then an egg arrives.

  Eggs-actly on time!

  Chapter 6

  Talk Back Radio & the Voice Coach

  I listen to talk back radio as I ride. That was the other place on Carrot’s List: the radio station. Maybe I could get a recording of Carrot’s voice from their files?

  By law they had to record it, just in case any callers said anything rude. That’s why there was a 30 second delay when it went to air.

  The radio station had an Assistant who must have been an orange twin of Red Lips, the TV Assistant. Orange lipstick. Orange hi-hi heels. Carrot must have felt at home here.

  But she was helpful. And told me that Carrot had a voice coach.

  ‘To improve his voice when he first started on radio.’

  ‘Do you know the name of the voice coach?’

  Orange Lips shakes her head.

  After listening to the replay, I feel sorry for Carrot. Football followers can be very critical. They complain about whatever the coach does. And the way he says it.

  Next, I Google voice coaches. An ad pops up. ‘A Voice-Coach helps you speak better. Whether speed talker or a mumbler, a Voice Coach can help.’

  They have nice things called testimonials on their VOICE COACH website. Praise from former clients.

  I can’t see Carrot the Parrot there. Maybe he hasn’t visited them? But he doesn’t usually praise his footballers either.

  VOICE COACH Testimonials include: ‘You have helped me find my own voice’, ‘Thanks, your coaching helps’ and ‘I can’t stop talking now.’

  So I call on my Z-com. A beautiful voice answers. There are smiles and colours and warmth in that voice. What an advertisement!

  I put on my BEST voice.

  ‘Can you have a Coach for a Coach? If the Footy Coach has lost his Voice, do you offer help?’

  ‘That’s an unusual request.’

  Carrot the Parrot just wants to be able to YELL again at the footballers.’

  ‘Oh, my last parrot client wanted to sing opera.’

  ‘Carrot is a football coach, not a singer.’

  ‘Sorry, I don’t think we can help Carrot. But maybe we can give YOU a free lesson?’

  ‘Do you think I need it?’

  ‘MMM.’

  I’m getting desperate. As a last resort, maybe I could act as Carrot the Parrot, and be his Voice. Even if I look nothing like him.

  I check for Chooks Anonymous messages online. Nothing!

  Could I find a look alike? A speak-alike? Someone to act as Coach in his place. Or with his voice?

  Ben MUST have some Carrot look- alikes on his agency books. I call him.

  ‘Ben, do you have anyone who could act as Carrot at the Grand Final? A look-alike? He doesn’t have to say anything. All coaching will be pre-recorded.’

  ‘Yes, I do have one,’ says Ben with a smile in his voice.

  ‘Who?’

  ‘You.’

  ‘Forget it.’

  Chapter 7

  The Grand Final

  I call at the henhouse on my way home, but I’m too late. They already know. ‘Heard you found the voice of Carrot the Parrot,’ says Clara the Clairvoyant. ‘I knew you would.’

  Well I’ve found the Coach’s voice. Recorded in the TV studio and on Talkback radio. But unfortunately it’s not in his throat, working now.

  ‘So you’re the hard-boiled detective?’ says Rooster loudly. He makes the same joke every time we meet. It isn’t funny I just wish my Z-com would ring so Rooster’d think I’m busy. But it doesn’t.

  Clues, the French chick smiles.

  ‘If you can’t fix something, change the way you look at the problem.’

  ‘Carrot was here and he told Rooster a practice wedding joke. So he still had it then,’ says Clues. ’Would you like some help with this case?’

  I shake my beak. ’Not yet, thanks.’ Unless it’s a French mystery, where you have to speak French, I think I’m better at the job.

  Clues, the French chick is persistent. ‘Some birds don’t talk at all. Parrots can be trained to say ‘Hi’ or bark like a dog. Others are multi-lingual in French, Spanish and Chinese, Some go for walks like a dog, with their owner holding the leash. Others can sing opera.’

  ‘Great, but Carrot just wants to get one voice back. His own.’

  Rooster interrupts. ‘Did you hear the news?’

  Clara says, ‘I know. The Creepy Crawlies made it to the Grand Final. The Birds were so glad that the Felines got knocked out in the semi final. The Birds wanted to play footy, not get eaten.’

  The ROAR of the crowd was recorded on the Big Screen as Carrot led them onto the field for their victory parade.

  Carrot’s Voice boomed, from the recycled TV program tape

  I had edited all his other coaching hints. Plus his TV commentary.

  He mimed as if he were speaking.

  Then, up on the Big Screen, the Creepy Crawlies ran out, in time to their team’s song.

  Later that afternoon the all-female Creepy Crawlies drew the Grand Final. Coach was speech-less. Especially when he discovered next day that the Bride followed that team! There’s a re-match next weekend. But Beak is on his honeymoon, and can’t play.

  Chapter 8

  Bird of the Year Wedding

  I flash my ID at the gate.

  ‘Hi Ben, I’ve found the Voice of the Coach.’

  Ben was thrilled. ‘Where was it?’

  I’m not quite sure how to tell Ben this news.

  ‘In one way, the Coach’s Voice wasn’t lost.’

  ‘What do you mean,’ said Ben. ‘Carrot couldn’t even croak. Are you trying to tell me, that he’s learnt sign language?’

  Carrot the Parrot always had used sign language with his players. Some signs were very clear. And a few were a bit rude.

  My mind-reading skills had been no use on this job. I must pay credit to the Hens, especially the French chick Clues.

  They told me about the Runner.

  ‘During a match, the Coach gives instructions to the players, via his Runner. The Runner goes and tells the player what to do. The Runner is called the Coach’s Voice. And he’s been around all the time. He never was lost. The Runner wa
s at the Grand Final. He is the Coach’s Voice.’

  Ben is silent at the end of the phone, so I keep going.

  ‘So although the Coach had a sore throat and couldn’t talk, he still had a voice in the Runner. Of course, Coach also uses sign language!’

  Ben asked me the question I was hoping he’d forget.

  ‘But what about the Wedding?

  How can Carrot MC the wedding? He can’t have a Runner there.’

  I didn’t tell my agent Ben, exactly what the bride had said to me about Carrot not being able to talk at HER wedding. That would have been rude.

  Beak and the Bride have made other arrangements. ME! Well, I can read minds and I knew they were going to invite me to MC their wedding, so I offered. No charge.

  They said I had such a great voice, especially after Lesson 101 from the Voice Coach online.

  That birdseed wedding cake was memorable. And so were the speeches, especially Beak’s to his Bride.

  And who do they get to captain the Birds in the re-match? Well, that’s another story.